Obsession

I've been running everyday on vacation.  I'm not sure who I am either, but whenever people tell me I have become a runner I always look at them and say, "no, I'm not a runner, I'm too slow.  I'm not good at running.  I just run.  I'm not a runner."

I do that sometimes.  A lot.  I tend to shortchange myself.  Even at BlogHer.  I asked a question and the speaker gave me a weird look and I said "I'm not making sense am I?"  I undermine myself.  Too much.

People call me pretty sometimes and instead of saying thank you, I say no.  I argue with them.  "But my arms, and my hair, and my legs.  I'm too heavy.  I'm not pretty."

I've never seen myself as pretty.  I've been the pretty girl's best friend and the popular girl's best friend and the smart one and the funny one and the cute one, but the pretty one?  No.  That's never been me.

But it kept happening at BlogHer.  I've read recaps and pictures posted on twitter and the comment that came a lot was pretty, and what kept running through my head was "are they insane?  Because I'm not pretty."

There is a song on my running mix (yes I have a running mix, I know that means I'm probably a runner) that I've become obsessed with.  It's not a great song, and it is not even a great running song, but the lyrics speak to me in so many ways.  When I was in college, turning myself inside out for the wrong boy, "you're amazing just the way you are" would have moved mountains.

I've done this since I was a kid.  Pick one song and listen to the song constantly.  And right now, this is the song.  It is in my running mix right after my warm up and right at the time when I need to really run.  And I do.  Every time.

Doug loves me.  I never, ever doubt that.  He loves me fat or thin.  I don't run for him, or work out for him, or struggle with how I look for him.  I never have.  The thinnest I ever have been was after we met. 

This is about me.  About getting to a place where I believe in me.  What I look like.  What I can do.  Just the way I am.

I'm at a point in my life where I want to change, not just how I look, but who I am.  And to do that I need to believe in myself.  What is holding me back from the change is me.  I want to leave my job and make a huge big colossal scary change.  And I have always done the safe, right thing.  But that doesn't mean I'm happy.  I'd like to be happy.  And confident.  And believe in myself. 

I admire people so much who make life leaps.  Who find what they want to do and never look back.  It all comes from a places of confidence I've never had and I'm not sure how to get there.  I'm going to start by saying this:

I'm a runner. 

 

Comments

[Miss Britt`]

You can't see me, but I'm standing on my office chair whooping and hollering and cheering wildly for you.

Run, Jodi, run! :D

[Cristie]

My kids and I sing this song all day long. Glad I'm not the only "grownup" who likes it.:)

[Brooke]

You ARE a runner. And you're one of the ones that helped ME be a runner, too. Yay for you - I'm so proud!

[cindy w]

I love this especially in light of how skeptical you were of the whole running thing back when you first started. But hell yeah, you're a runner.

And you're very pretty too. (Btw, the proper response to that is just to say "thank you" and shut up, not to argue.)

[Jessi]

OH, I feel the exact same way. If you compliment me, you'll likely hear ten minutes worth of why I think you're wrong, but if you compliment my kids, you'll hear ten minutes of why I think you're right. And on top of that, I am trying to make big changes in my life - LOTS of BIG changes. I'll wish you luck, if you'll wish me luck.

[Headless Mom]

I'm so in tears right now. What a great song. Now. Let's let it seep into our bones, continually, until it *really* sinks in. Thanks for this, and FTR, you are amazing!

[Issa]

I'm proud of you. My running, pretty, smart, wicked funny friend. I really am.

[Kyooty]

You are a runner! :) excellentness!

[Pammer]

You are that and more.

It's hard, but the best two words to get comfortable with after a compliment are simply "thank you."

And thanks for the great new song now on my iPod.

[Corey Feldman]

I knew you would end up a runner!

[Laurie]

I have always been the best friend of those girls too, and it's hard to stop minimizing yourself when it's learned, lifelong behavior.

You are making some major strides, I can tell, and I'm so happy for you. The changes will come. (And this is what I'm trying to tell myself, too.)

[Anne]

Awesome post! Stay confident -- you can do whatever you set out to do.

[Anne]

Awesome post! Stay confident -- you can do whatever you set out to do.

[DemMom]

Ditto! Except for the running part, but the change part. Yes, I'm all that's holding me back.

[Hope]

I went running in a NorEaster once. I decided, at that point, that I guess I was a runner. :p

[Maria]

Hell yeah!

[avasmommy]

Good for you.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Why we devalue ourselves so much. So many women I know do it, myself included.

Hooray for taking that first step.

[nic @mybottlesup]

awesome and inspiring. thanks for reminding so many of us to do this along side you, as you run.

[Kelly]

High five! Very happy for you, you very pretty runner!

[Nicki]

I use to cringe when people asked me if I was a runner. The only question I disliked more was "why do you run?" Now I not only run but I run races. I am not the fastest person in the race. I am not - okay, I was once - the slowest person in the race. I am just a runner in the race.

Congratulations on being a runner!!! And, know that your speed and your distance don't matter. You run because you want to and you can!

[ramblin red]

Here from Headless Mom's FB posting....

This resonates with me so damned much!
1.) I've been running for a little over a year now, have done a 5k, 10k, and am now training for a 1/2 marathon and yet I still struggle with identifying myself as a runner.
2.) The whole pretty thing...yeah.
3.) Changing jobs/Life Leap...in the process of launching my own consulting business

Love the song - new to me as I listen to primarily Christian music.

[Tere]

I do it, too, pick one song and play it obsessively. There are anthems, like this one you've posted for yourself, then others in some obscure declining order: "speaks to me about my life," "speaks to me about my divorce," "speaks to me about my love for X," "speaks to me about (whomever)," "speaks to me about my childhood," on and on and on....

And yes, you are a runner.

[cagey (kelli oliver george)]

Go, you!

One can always change one's life for the better. We forget that.

[tara]

Those are the magic words, I believe.

[Karen MEG]

You're a runner? Wow. I don't run, I have no stamina. That's amazing. I find it's always easier to give than to receive a compliment too.
It's all about finding your passion and sticking with it. Sounds like you've found a keeper. Here's to you making major leaps - you'll do it!

[Kate Hansen]

Jodifur- it was a leap for me to start declaring "I'm an artist," even though I am. It puts you out in the line of fire, doesn't it? Makes you a bit vulnerable. Bravo. :)