Boundaries

I recently read a post about blogging boundaries (and I swear I would link to it but for some reason I woke up at 4 am the morning I wrote this and could not go back to sleep and can not think) and it caused me to think about what my blogging boundaries are.  And what is interesting is at this very moment there are at least 5 things going on in my life that I absolutely can not blog about.  Because they fall under the things which can not be blogged about category.  But when does not blogging about something become lying?  If someone is having marital problems (I'm not, I promise) and is not blogging about them because they don't feel comfortable, are they lying to their audience?  Are they trying to portray that everything is perfect?  Keeping up a front?

I understand that people don't "get" blogging.  My dad (hi dad!) thinks it is a little strange.  My two closest friends read but don't blog and it took me YEARS to tell them.  And I kind of did it by accident.  (Um, that's a good story.)  But blogging became a life line for me very quickly and my "audience" (although I so never think of my readers like that) got me through my lupus diagnosis, the move from hell, and Michael falling apart last fall.  You have all touched me in ways I never could have imagined.

But still, there are things I don't share.  Extended family issues, for one.  It's not fair to them, and I have a whole side of the family who still doesn't know the blog exists.  Private things in my marriage.  Issues with Michael I think should be private.  Things that I think might embarrass him later on, and some might think I even went too far with what happened last fall, but I don't think I did.  Work.  I never, ever, blog about work.

But sometimes, like now, when some of those areas are HARD and you all have become such a crucial part of working things out, I wish I could talk about them. 

What are your boundaries? 

Comments

[Amelia Sprout]

My list of things going on that aren't bloggable is HUGE right now. It includes work (I work in a regulated field, so I have to be careful), relationship stuff (good and bad really, my blog is about me, not about A & I), some health issues, and anything I don't want my mom, my SIL & a bunch of friends knowing about. Lately, I've had major blocks because I can't blog about some things. Makes me want to get an anon blog just to get it off my chest.

[NS]

Would you tell your friends about these topics in person? At a party where you didn't know everyone?

[Kate]

I don't blog about my marriage or things that happen within it. I don't blog (much) about my extended family, except on very very rare occasions. I have been burned while blogging about specific things that have referenced (not by name) people, so I am very careful about blogging about people I know (unless I know they blog too and are also putting themselves out into the world)--I always assume that someone I know could find/identify me and go from there.

My mom didn't read me for like 3 years, but then I moved across the world and she does now. And my aunt. Etc, etc.

Lots of times I wish I had a private blog. Somehow a diary wouldn't be the same...

[baltimoregal]

This is such a cop-out but it depends. There are things i don't talk about with my MOM that I will talk about with total strangers! And I have talked with you about things I haven't talked about with good friends, and we've never met in person. (After I have observed you online for some time, of course...)

Blogging is something I do rarely, and I do keep my work life and online life (twitter, really) pretty separate. I'm not in a relationship though so I know that adds a whole other layer. But there is such a FREEDOM in getting your feelings out, isn't there?

[Corey Feldman]

I have a similar set. I never blog about work and I avoid putting anything out there too private about my children, wife or marriage. I also don't blog about my in-laws, not out of a sense of fairness to them, but in deference to my wife.

My basic rule of thumb is I don't put anything out there that I have a problem with ANYONE knowing. That applies to my blog, facebook twitter, and group emails.

It is frustrating because I would love to throw a spotlight on certain shenanigans. I tried writing some of it out in private journal form, but it is not the same. I have to admit at times I have been extremely tempted but most of the time I remember to ask myself if it will cause more harm to those I care about than it will help me process/heal.

[cindy w]

Yeah, my list is pretty similar. I don't blog about work or my extended family. And I don't write about any issues in my marriage - which thankfully are very few and far between, but when they come up, I don't share that because it feels like a betrayal of my husband's trust. And I'm sure that as my daughter gets older, there will be things that will become off-limits because I want to respect her privacy too.

[caramama]

My litmus test is usually this: Will my husband get upset if I write about this? He is a more private person than I am, and I respect his feelings about that. So I try to always keep in mind if he would get upset, and then just not write about it.

Luckily for me, he understands my need to write things out and (over)share with the friends I've made in the blogosphere as well as in real life, so he's always been supportive of whatever I write.

There are also other areas I don't talk about: work, family outside of my hubby and kids, um... well... surely there is more! Maybe not. Huh. Apparently I do overshare.

[Headless Mom]

There's lots of things I don't write about. Mostly having to do with extended family because I don't want to get into the conversation with them even though I'd probably rant. My husband is mostly off limits because some of the people he works with read (or their wives do) and when things get back to him they're twisted. (He doesn't read the blog.) I guess in a nutshell, I don't write about things that will piss other people off because in real life I'm really non-confrontational.

[cagey (kelli oliver george)]

It's a damned shame that I have boundaries, because I have had some great blogging fodder this year! The most boring blog in the world would have been spicier this year with all the crap going on. Sigh.

I have to admit, and I think I can say this here because we are friends and you won't take it wrong way, but I do get squirmy when folks talk about their kids in great detail. My brother is autistic (high end of the spectrum) and he grew up hearing my dad and step-mom talk about him. I am not sure that documenting in great deal, in writing, in a blog is a great thing. I have seen the look on my brother's face when he is being talked about.

Seriously, not judging, just observing. But my experiences with my brother have made me very wary of what I share on my own site. I am finding myself wanting to write less and less about my son, in particular, because I am not sure if what I am writing will be used against him later in junior high. Surely, he will have outgrown his ardent love for Fancy Nancy by then, no? :-)

[Safire]

My list is pretty similar. Mostly I think, "Is this something Nana would like to hear?" and go from there. I never blog about my husband's job and they actually monitor my posts to make sure I don't.

I think your blog is public and should be handled as such. If you want to talk about something private, get a diary.

[Jessi]

I don't really have set boundaries, which may be dangerous, but I just sort of think about how I would feel if I were on the other side of it. I don't blog about Bob very much, or about work and I try to keep our location/last names/etc under wraps. I also try to stay away from religion/politics/breastfeeding - you know the stuff that pisses people off, although sometimes I fail at that.

[Issa]

I guess for me, it's not lying if you omit things. I am honest on my blog, maybe more than some people, but there are just things I can't talk about and details I don't give, mostly to protect it as my personal space.

So lets see...boundaries? I don't discuss details of my divorce, in fact I rarely mention my ex anymore. I don't discuss my extended family very often. I don't use my kids real names, or their photos. Besides that I'm an open book. ;)

[Carabee]

I use the golden rule. If someone would be hurt by my telling a story, I won't. No matter how funny/juicy/interesting. I would be mortified if someone told a story about me in such a public way. But that means that much of what pertains to my relationship with my husband is left out. I love him more than I love the idea of sharing about our fight last night.

[Heather]

I stopped blogging about my kids altogether last year when I realized that my husband and I would probably be separating at some point. I didn't want that to be an issue of contention. And now that we are separated, I have a new blog that is quasi-anonymous and I'll probably never blog openly about my kids again. My sis/family still look at my photoblog, but nothing exciting ever gets posted there. I vent more in my protected Twitter acct than anywhere else. I would like to find a way to blog about my 6yo and her dyspraxia/educational issues, but I can't quite figure out how to do that without unduly invading her privacy.

[Cathy]

I will write about pretty much everything.....I don't always mention specific names because I do know, unfortunately, that some family members read my blog. Marital stuff is probably where I think I would be most careful. To answer that question specifically, I don't think someone is lying about their problems UNLESS they are actually writing that things are great. I just wouldn't write anything at all about that particular topic.

[Bitchin' Amy]

I want to write about everything and would. But I have a partner who is not so inclined to spill his guts and views it as "airing dirty laundry" when I do. It is tough, but I try and respect his wishes b/c it is important to him. My kids are still young enough that my son with ADHD barely knows he has it and my oldest likes to know what is being said before I put anything up. As long as I'm not laughing at him, then he is okay with it. :)

[Pocklock]

I don't blog about work because if I did, it would open up the doors to even more negativity and complaining and my blog has quite enough of that!

I also don't blog or tweet negatively about my husband as he is extremely sensitive and it's not worth the argument later or hurt feelings no matter how light I may have made it sound.

I blog about myself (hi! narcissism?), my pregnancy, the latest in my kid milestones. I just try to keep things positive and only share the hardships if I really need a support system - of which I'm lucky that my readers truly are - and a great one at that.