Circle Game

I fell in love with Doug on a carousel.  We weren't even dating at the time.  I, in fact, was dating one of his friends.  But we were at a an amusement park with a group of friends (my boyfriend was absent, I can't even remember why) and this little boy had attached himself to Doug and I remember thinking Doug was so patient and kind that this was the man I should have children with.  But it took years of being on a Circle Game to get there.

We have been on a different kind of a Circle Game lately. My friend Cagey called it a Merry Go Round. Michael's old school put us on it with tests and assessments and therapy and she was the one who said to me, "you are never going to know when it is time to get off."  All the fines in the world are not enough, because we still have the "what ifs."  "What if" it happens again?  "What if he has X?"  "What if THEY WERE RIGHT?"

I spent the last two days at a doctor who is Washington DC's expert in ADHD.  It took us 6 months to get in with him, and then the appointment was canceled for snow.  And then we almost never rescheduled, because "everything is fine, right?"  But I figured, I have to know.  I HAVE TO KNOW.

And when he took Michael back to his office for THE ASSESSMENT, what was going to give us THE ANSWER, THE ANSWER WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR, I almost vomited.  And thank G-d for twitter, because when I tweeted that, there all of you were, with your virtual hugs.  And trust me, I felt them.  For all the bad that is social media, there is still so, so much good.

We waited six months, and what I learned was, it doesn't matter.  We know no more than we knew yesterday.  Michael probably doesn't have ADHD, but we will have to wait and see who he his when grows up a little bit.  It is still too early to tell.  But probably not.  50/50, leaning more towards no. 

Michael told the doctor teachers are for "telling him when he is bad."  Michael also said he wants to be a scientist when he grows up.  When I called his OT after the appointment, she said "I think he is going to change the world."

After the doctor's appointment we went to the shoe store.  He got the light up shoes he has wanted forever.  He was thrilled.  He couldn't wait to go to school to show everyone how his shoes light up.

I'm officially off the Merry Go Round.

This post reminded me so much of this song, I couldn't help myself: The Circle Game, Joni Mitchell

	Joni Mitchell - The Circle Game .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Comments

[cagey]

I remember what a denouement my nephew's autism diagnosis was for all of us. As my sister said "It doesn't really change much, Nolan is still Nolan."

I have had a huge empathy for you the past few months, Jodi. When Manoj was away in India dealing with his father's death, I saw how quickly out of sorts the kids became, but it was so very subtle. Of course, I have always known that kids are in tune with their parents, but these past few months have gobsmacked me on that.

I still think you have been doing the right thing and I do hope that you can now find some peace and sit back.

Now, get to practicing Wii Tennis so you can kick Michael's butt. You cannot have a 5 year old smacking you around on a virtual tennis court, now can you? :-)

[cagey]

Also, I wanted to point out that regarding the Merry Go Round, what made me mad was that the school pushed you on board, then took off and left you and Doug to figure out when to disembark on your own.

[LiLu]

Joni Mitchell is just perfect for times like this, isn't she?

[Brooke]

I don't really have any words to add here except that this post made me smile. I'm glad that you can close this chapter, I know how difficult it is to leave these things hanging in the balance...

[CTMom]

It's like they say: "Stop this ride, I want to get off!" And now you can.

We're still on the merry-go-round with our 12 year old, don't know when it's going to end. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes we cry. But in the end, she is who she is. We love her and that's what matters.

And by the way, you're a good mom.

[Megan]

My son is 10, almost 11, and he has ADHD. We started with a diagnosis of Sensory Integration Dysfunction when he was 3. We've done years of OT. At 4, he was diagnosed (rightly) with ADHD. It was terrifying, but at the same time a bit of a relief because I thought we then had "The Answer.' 6 years later, I now know that there is no Answer. Some of his issues are explained by his ADHD. Some are not. It's never cut and dry. I'm alway searching for people who can help him cope, help me cope, help all of us understand. I don't think you ever get off the Merry Go Round, I'm afraid. The ride just changes, as your kid grows and changes.

I'm wondering if we saw the same Washington DC expert on ADHD. When I got my son in with him, I thought I would finally have The Answer. But the Rock Star Doc really didn't have much to offer. That was crushing. We've moved on to another, less of a rock star in his field doctor and it's much better.

Maybe it's all about learning there is no answer. There's just kids - with or without diagnosis' - with all their wonderful, worrying differences.

Light up shoes are the best. :)

[Bristelle]

Glad you are off the merry go round! Yay! Thanks for sharing and making me smile today.

[Vicky]

I am glad you are off the merry go round. I'm hoping that somehow in oh, 2011(!) we can be too. I'm just so tired of the ups and downs that we've been having. I'm ready for some smooth sailing or just you know getting to sit in the carriage that doesn't go up and down on the merry go round.

[Stimey]

Great news! I'm happy for you and your family!