The Day Time Stood Still

On Friday we met with the school again, to get the results of their assessment.  And to say it was disappointing would be an understatement.  To say I freaked out would also be an understatement.

I think the school is a bad fit, which is also an understatement.  They think he has a variety of disorders, and think he needs a full praxil evaluation by an OT and a developmental pediatrician.  And I'm torn.  This poor 4 year old just started therapy, demanded upon by the school.  Do we sign up for so much more testing, for something only the school is seeing?  But if there is a problem, I can not bury my head in the sand and pretend it is not there, because the school is convinced that he will never succeed in public kindergarten.  And I'm so glad we bought a new house since we are now looking at private school, an expense I never imagined we would be paying for 3 days ago.

How did he not have any any of these problems last year or anywhere else?  How does any of this make sense?  And also, this was the school's evaluation.  Of course they are going to find that the sky is falling. And how am I going to find a new school in October?  And what if that just makes everything worse?

And why is everything always so hard?

I immediately emailed Amy, whose lovely son Noah has one of the ABCS they were throwing around at me and who has spent a fair amount of time with Michael.  And her response was "WHAT?  HUH?  That doesn't even make any sense."  

And I think that too.  Sometimes.  And sometimes I'm printing off checklists from the internet thinking well, "Michael does that.  And he does that too.  He totally has that."  And all of a sudden I'm back to not eating.  And not sleeping.  And crying at the drop of a hat.  And every time he acts up or does something outside of the "norm" I am thinking, "is that because he may have x?"  At this point someone should just take google away from me.  He has been formally diagnosed with nothing, yet in my head, he has everything.

But we can no longer deny this truth.  He isn't making it IN PRESCHOOL.  Is it this school?  Or is it him? 

I have been there for Amy when she went through this with Noah, as well as many other friends.  And even when they were going through it, I never thought I would be here.  I will make the phone calls and I will schedule the appointments and I will start a folder and get ready to fight.  Because I know that from here on out everything changes.  Everything is an uphill battle.

I'm okay with me having Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis and everything else that could possibly be wrong with me.  I just want Michael to be okay.  I don't want everything to be harder for him.

But in my heart of hearts I know that it doesn't matter the results, he will be okay.  Because we will do everything we can do to make it so.

It doesn't matter what the label is, he will always just be Michael.

 

Comments

[Laura]

Wow. I am sorry this has escalated so quickly but you are a smart, well-informed person with so many personal and professional resources (and Dr. Google) that I know you will find the right place for Michael. It's hard to feel that way right now when you feel like you have a huge mountain to climb, but I know you'll get there.

[Angel]

I just know how you feel, I've been there done that. It feels like no matter what you do/say will make them budge or say "well maybe we're wrong, let's try to see things through your eyes, how he is when he's not at school". I hope it can be fixed by changing schools and/or getting a professional evaluation. I know what a rollercoaster ride this could be, I am there myself right at the moment. You can and you will fight for Michael, no matter what the outcome, I know that much. And you are right : he is and will always remain Michael.

[Hilary]

Oh, I wish I could offer some kind of advice here but I don't have children. I can say that like Laura said above, you are strong and smart and well-informed and will get through this. The love and dedication you have toward your family is clear. Wishing you good luck and much smoother roads ahead.

[Melissa Multitasking Mama]

I don't know what type of insurance you have but we had our oldest evaluated at Kennedy Krieger when the school started their stuff with him in kindergarten. While Jason had issues, they were better diagnosed, treated and managed after our independent eval. Unfortunately, the school system is quite often looking for the least inconvenient option rather than the least restrictive they are supposed to look for. Here if you need to talk!! (@multitaskingme)

[Mir]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Jodi.

My "different" kid is now nearly ten, and I feel pretty confident telling you two things: First, that schools do not diagnose lightly, because when they do, they are taking on expense for themselves (once there is a diagnosis, they must provide services), and second, that even the most in-tune mom often cannot see the big picture. Both of these are to say -- in the gentlest way possible -- consider what they're saying. I know it's hard. I know it may seem bizarre, right now, but the best thing you can do for Michael is get more information. Knowledge is power, and all of that.

Email me any time. I, unfortunately, have several t-shirts from this particular club.

[Angela]

Oh Jodi, I'm so sorry this has come to such a head. You know Michael best, and I'd say go with your gut. It is weird that this is only coming up now at this school. When you moved, did you have to change pediatricians? Maybe taking him to your ped would be a good first step. They can do some screenings (hearing, vision) that could rule out issues there and probably give you some good advice.

The part of your post that raises a red flag for me (as a former ESE teacher) is that they're convinced he can't make it in public school. ANYONE can make it in public school. That's the whole point of public school. And if they're thinking of separate classes or soemthing, well a child has to have a pretty severe disability to be put in a self-contained ESE class. The vast majority of children with disabilities are mainstreamed in regular ed classes, just with additional accommodations by the teachers. (Things that are really NOT that hard to do!)

And like you said, this is PRESCHOOL! I mean, if he does end up to have some kind of additional challenges, then it's good to get started early, but damnit, they don't need to slap a label on him this young either. All kids progress on different timetables.

So scary, and so hard.

[Andi]

I don't have any children, but I think there are too many people out there that are too quick to put a label on kids. They are kids. They do silly things. Yes, there are those with legitimate issues, which can be dealt with. But for the most part, I feel like putting a label on the kid is the easy way out and a way to let someone else deal with the issues.

If I were you, I would seek a professional opinion before worrying Michael has x.

If you have other options for schools, I would look into those as well. School isn't supposed to be such a battle and instead of the school pointing fingers, they should really be more willing to work with you than to force things on you that you aren't comfortable with.

You are in my prayers during this stressful time. Stay positive and remember....Mother always knows best!

[PunditMom]

I am so sorry that you are going through this with the school, but it is important to trust your instincts. You know we've gone through some things with PunditGirl -- some issues needing to be addressed and some suggested "diagnoses" that just didn't seem to fit.

Find someone you trust to do any evaluations -- ask around to find the right person and don't feel like just because one person says something that that makes it so.

Healthy skepticism is called for here -- so many schools want to deal only with behavior and not the underlying reasons that behavior may exist. Everything can't be fixed with a pill and a diagnosis but that's what some schools want.

[Headless Mom]

((hugs))

I can't imagine where your mind wanders. You have some pretty smart friends that have already commented up there-take their advice!

The one thing I will say is that since he's only in preschool, and you are already on top of figuring this all out-don't worry now, you've got plenty of time to get it all worked out.

[Christy]

I think this school is not the right school for him. I would talk to your personal ped about what is going on, ask for recommendations, and stay away from Dr. Google for a few days. He's been through a lot recently and that has to be taken into account here. Additionally, he's a little boy, there is no textbook behavior for them. Sometimes they do things and say things that are just odd, that is why they are kids. Don't get me wrong here, IF (and that is a BIG if) there is something he needs help with, fine, get it, but I wouldn't be so quick to agree with a preschool evaluation just yet. I would be seeking out my own evals just to have a second opinion. GOOD LUCK!!!

[Donna]

Reminds me of my 12 yr old nephew. While he has always been pure, 100% boy, wide open at break neck speed, 4 yrs ago he started acting up in school. My BIL had taken a job down in Fl, and my sister and nephew had to stay behind for a while, that is when he started acting out, getting in trouble in school. When they were finally able to all be together in Fl, he ocntinued to act out. The school down there tested him, told my siter that he was ADHD. Needless to say, my sister did not agree with that. They sent him to another school, and he was tested again....turns out he was a gifted student, what he was learning in school was a bore to him, he knew the work, was finishing the work before other students, which left him with idle hands....and he also acted out by picking on other children. So, now, my nephew is in another school for kids like him, he has the cirriculm that fits him and he is back to normal, no more acting out. Some schools are quick to label kids with serious problems, but not so quick to test them for the level they really need to be in. I think that your child may be bored with preschool, or it could just be his way of adjusting to preschool. If I were you, I would take him to be tested by someone that you choose, not by someone the school suggests.....I hope that you get the answers you need.

[Monica]

This all sounds so familiar to me - we went from a pre-school where nothing was ever mentioned to a pre-school that felt our son had significant issues. As it turned out for us, the second pre-school was both right and wrong. They were right to push us to have him evaluated because he did have significant motor delays that we simply didn't recognize, but they were absolutely the wrong school for him. They had no tolerance for differences of any kind and preferred to overwhelm us with phone calls and dramatic statements until they basically made us hysterical. It could have been handled much differently. I resent them for making that time so difficult for us.

I ended up keeping my son home last year instead of finding a new pre-school. After our experience, I felt too afraid to send him back out there. But, this year he started kindergarten and everything is so different. He is doing SO well (in a public school, btw). He has the support he needs in school -- both through OT and PT and through his amazing teacher -- and he is like a different child. They appreciate that he has certain challenges, but they don't let it define him. They allow him to be himself and to feel good about who he is -- and that's the most important thing to us.

I'm sorry you're in this place right now - I know it's an awful place to be. You will get through this and I have no doubt Michael will too.

[Melissa Chapman]

First of all- you are a fighter- and you've got a wicked sense of humor- so no matter what happens those qualities are going to get you through this- my little piece of advice-- last year my now four-year-old had a teacher who felt he had MANY problems- she dais he didn't know how to socialize , he had a confidence problem- ALL year long she kept telling us about my son's problems-- although she didn’t tell us that we had to go for any evaluations- (he is already in a private school- so they do everything at the school) it was a difficult pill to swallow. We worked with him and this year he's doing much better. Believe me this too shall pass- you will WORK though it with your usual feistiness and humor!

[lindsey]

wrapping you in hugs and the confidence you need to get through this. i like the idea of a second independent evaluation. you will get through this. time. patience. lots of tears. do not stop fighting. he is not a label. he is michael.

xo

[Stacy]

Oh sweetie, sorry you are feeling so stressed. My kid, as you know is younger so I can't compare or even give opinions, nor would I about something I know little about. However, as a parent, a few tests, a few evals cant hurt too much, right? How much will the kid really remember about it anyway? The one parenting advice I will give is trust your instincts, he is YOUR kid.
And remember that current modern thinking likes to label kids who don't fall into simple typical categories. Think to yourself, in our day (GOD! I sound old) ... but really, 20 years ago, would anyone have flagged him for being something other than a stronger/weaker/quieter/different learning style personality? Just my thoughts.

On that note, Noah is almost 22 months and not talking, babling a bit, no real words, do I get him evaluated? It's seems there is always something.

[Sarah]

Wow, I am so sorry! As someone who has worked in the school system, I'd encourage a second, independent opinion. Ultimately, though, trust your gut. No one knows Michael better than you and your husband. Hoping all works out.

[Sandy]

Hang in there! That must be so scary and frustrating. Always follow your instincts as a parent and get a second opinion. But don't worry too much about test results. I was found to be severely developmentally delayed, with dyslexia and several other learning disabilities, as well as moter skill delays. My parents were told to take me out of public school and that I would always be three years behind my peers. They did put me in a private kindergarten for one year, but after that I did just fine in the public schools at my grade level. And today I have a doctorate and I'm a college professor.

[TJ]

You know already, of course, that whatever needs to be done will get done and whatever obstacles there are will be overcome, because with your child, there isn't any imaginable alternative. However, just be sure to give yourself a couple of moments every day or so to have a private "AHHH!!," because people aren't built with steam valves to let off the pressure automatically.

[Robin]

Email me if you want! You know I've been there with my son and also on the professional side.

[Pando]

First off, I know it's hard, but try to resist the urge to Google for now. Secondly, know that even if someone does give you a diagnosis, they can change. Frequently. Nothing is set in stone this early. (My oldest, for instance went from having "classic" Autism, and we were told she was unlikely to ever function/speak/use a toilet, to having high-functioning Aspergers, over the course of years.) Regardless of the possible diagnosis you are dealing with, just keep believing that a label really doesn't change anything, he's still the same kid he was yesterday. Trust yourself too. And if there IS something going on, it's much better to find out about it sooner, because the earlier they recognize an issue, the better the outcome tends to be. I'm always around if you need to vent and Ive been through it all before. Hugs.

[Stimey]

You know what? It sounds like you're doing exactly the right things. You're making sure he's okay and making the phone calls. You're aware that he's still the same kid he was yesterday and the day before. And you're critically looking at what your school is telling you.

You're obviously trusting your gut and your intelligence, but are also willing to take the advice of someone else. Seriously, Michael couldn't ask for more.

[The Tutugirl]

Not that I have a kid, but I find it generally suspicious that Michael went from being not a problem last year to suddenly having all these issues at a new school. Sure, maybe there's something going on with Michael (like all the changes you mentioned), but I'd approach the school with a healthy dose of scrutiny as well. Definitely go for an independent opinion, and maybe ask his pediatrician since they've known Michael longer than the school and may have a better sense of what's going on.

Its going to be fine. You're doing all the right things. PLEASE GO EAT, JODI. And remember, you are an awesome mother.

[Heather]

I guess because I'm on this side of the struggle, that I don't see the assessment and labeling as a bad thing, at least in the short term.

If Michael's challenges are caused by the stresses of the past year, at the very least, a "diagnosis" of any problems will give him the time and space to come to grips with all of the changes without being removed from a public school setting. Does that make sense? He'll receive the social skills work and his teachers will be given strategies to help them work with Michael to adjust to the stress of school. And when life hits a level for him, the services can be discontinued.

If the challenges are caused by a developmental disorder or delay, then it is probably best to go ahead and have a diagnosis and label to work with. Different disorders have different therapies that can help children have successful careers in school and beyond.

Keep in mind, too, that if Michael is having difficulty adjusting at a public school, it probably won't be any different at a private school. And because private schools aren't bound by the IDEA, there is no guarantee that they will work with you at all with Michael's issues. In fact, they'll be more likely to remove him from their setting than allow him to continue on.

I'm not trying to be a downer, here. I know that this is not what you want for your little boy. You are doing and feeling exactly what you need to do and feel right now. I know it's hard. If you ever need to chat about what's going on in this process, shoot me an email.

[Julie]

I am new to your blog, and don't know what has been going on with your son, but I have oh so much empathy for you. The day last spring when I had to take our kindergarten boy for a psychological assessment was one of the most stressful of my life. Seven months on, I am grateful for a diagnosis and a plan to deal with his behavior. It was just so difficult to come to grips that he is different in some way. Thinking of you.

[samantha jo campen]

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Your post has me a little teary. I can't even imagine all the decisions you're faced with and the constant "what is best? what is the right thing to do?" questions flying around your head.

No matter what, like you said, you've got Michael. And that's truly the important thing.

HUGS.

[mouthy_broad]

oh no! i can't even believe any of this. how can they have decided all of this knowing him only 1 month? how is this possible? this all seems too fast and too much.

you keep fighting for him! he isn't broken!

and yes, stay away from google. no good comes of that. and at this point what objectivity could you have?

[CharmingBitch]

Ugh. I am not trying to be all, ''a diagnosis is the end of the world'' but seriously. How can a school he has attended several weeks know him better than you and Doug? Not possible.

That is not to say he isn't having issues adjusting; moving twice in rapid succession is a lot for a four year old mind to grok but I think what his school is losing sight of is the fact that HE IS FOUR.

Gaaaaah. I am not being helpful Jodi, I'm sorry. I am just frustrated on your behalf. Hang in there and follow your instinct. And for goat's sake: EAT!!

[kari weber]

I would say that dropping money to have a private evaluation first sounds like a better idea then dropping money for a private preschool. There is no way that Michael who is so smart would not "make it" in Kindergarten because of some social problems. They are smoking crack. As a PUBLIC school teacher, you need a second, and perhaps a third opinion, and at least one of those needs to NOT be affiliated with that preschool OR the public school system. He will be fine because of you. And I second "CharmingBitch" to EAT!

[Pocklock]

Jodi - I'm so sorry for you and for Michael. It tears me up inside when schools do this because, well, it totally could be nothing. And it could just be a bad fit. And they cause so much freaking anxiety making everyone think otherwise and then all of a sudden, BAM, the kid "outgrows" whatever it is and symptoms disappear.

You guys have had a really tough year and perhaps it's all the change in his life causing this.

Either way, right now the whole thing just sucks. Additional stress and anxiety that you guys just didn't need.

Thinking of you and your little boy. ((HUGS))

[JZMom]

Wait...what?!? Okay, I'm going to tell you the same thing I emailed to Amalah. (I like it that i talk like I know either one of you, when really you're just the ones sitting at the "cool table" in the cafe, while I'm in the corner eating a cookie.)
Anywhooo, BREATHE. Yes, try to listen objectively to what they're saying. But, really? No one knows your child better than you. If you don't think there's a problem, then take a BIG grain of salt.
I work in a public school - I'm currently an administrator for a program that provides support to kids in math, reading and writing. There are times we all think the sky is falling when it really isn't. (My favorite was the teacher who told me, "This kid doesn't know ANYTHING about place value", when it was really just that he didn't know what *she* wanted him to know about place value.) Yes, there are times we think something might be up and we're right, but there also are times that our expectations are just not perfectly aligned with where the child is right then.
As a society, we've shrunk our "box" of what "normal" is. This means that more and more kids are out of the "normal box", and have a diagnosis of something-or-other. Go to the evaluations (especially if the school is paying), listen to the experts, read the reports, and trust your heart.

[sue]

I assume that Michael is attending a private Pre-School (since MCPS doesn't really offer that service). If that is the case, they are not obligated to assess him like the school system would. Outside evals are extremely costly. You might want to think about contactin the Child Find office for MCPS and they can look into do the eval and then, if need be, write an IEP to assist him. Of course, discuss all of this with his Dr. but I just wanted to let you know that there are resources in Montgomery County available to you (just in case you didn't know). Also, no public school can mandate counseling, unless they are going to pay for it. As a previous poster said, Michael CAN succeed in a PUBLIC school. If he requires special assistance, they will meet those needs. There is A LOT of good that goes on in MCPS, especially if you know what to ask for. Letting them know you are a lawyer can't hurt either :)

[sarah]

Lots of great advice here. I would just add . . . actually there are quite a number of available pre-school slots in the area now. So, take that worry off your plate. We had to move our daughter in October when her school wasn't working out, and I was surprised at how many options we had. And, we ended up very happy with the school we moved her to.

[Ashley]

I'm so sorry, Jodi. I don't have any advice beyond what's already been given here. I just felt a need to give you a virtual hug.

[Jen]

Wow. That's a hard one. I guess the testing can't hurt (or can it?) and then you'd know either way if the school is off it's rocker or if there actually is something wrong - in which case it's better to know than not know, right? I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I imagine that it is NOT fun. I know, though, that you'll love him no matter what.

[the weirdgirl]

I've been right where you're at. If you can swing a private/independent assessment I think it's well worth it. Just to rule things in or out and get more options/ideas than the school go to's (which in my experience are always "behavioral", ADHD, or autism). BTW, an assessment should be way less expensive and less time-intensive than a "diagnostic evaluation".

When I was going through this I hated to hear the phone ring. I felt like I carried a ball of anxiety all the time. Now, it's a year later and I've got a bit more of a "Hey, you chose to go into teaching, suck it up and deal" with any teachers who try to act like the world is falling. My son is currently in group OT to help develop better social skills while also managing his sensory issues and he LOVES it.

Big, big hugs to you, my dear. Email me if you want to chat.

[Andrea Meyers]

With my first child I was the one who spotted the odd behaviors and proceeded with getting him tested, even though my husband was against it. I'm so glad I did, otherwise we'd have a barely verbal 6 year old and a husband who would still be telling me our ASD son was just really smart. But with the second child the preschool and I both missed the diagnosis. They told me he just needed to delay kindergarten. If I had not taken Top Gun for screening and testing by our early childhood intervention program, we might not have caught the ADD until he was in kindergarten a full year later, which would have put us far behind the curve. And yes, it's overwhelming. Relax, take deep breaths, and focus on what's best for him, which right now is getting some answers. I've been down this road, so feel free to call anytime if you need a sympathetic ear.