That Parent

I was talking to my friend Corey the other day about an issue going on in my life right now, and how to handle it, and he said this to me, "you will never regret advocating for you child."

I am an advocate in my profession.  And I am very good at it.  But when it comes to my daily life, I don't always take the advocate role.  Part of it is a fear of being seen as "that parent."  The one who screams and yells.  The one who makes mountains out of mole hills.  I also believe, maybe wrongly, that people have my child's best interest at heart.  The most people want to help.  That most people want to do the right thing.

I'm learning the hard way that that is not always true.  Some people do not have my child's best interest at heart.  Sometimes bureaucracy controls, or personality, or good old fashion anger.  Some people simply don't know what to do.  Some people, are simply wrong.  

I made a difficult phone call last week.  A phone call some people had been urging me to make for a while now, and in all honesty, I probably should have.  But I feared making an untenable situation worse.  But I got to the point where I wasn't sure it could get any worse.  And the person suffering the most was Michael.

I became "that parent."

20 years from now Michael is not going to remember the ins and out of exactly what is going on right now.  And I may not either.  But I always will be able to look at him and say "I advocated for you.  I was your fiercest advocate."  And that is the most important thing.

For Susan

We go purple.

I'll paint myself purple for you. 

Join us.

Color is OPI Divine Swine, from the Muppet Collection.

Shoe Friday #161

My friend Angel's shoes.  

Where I've Been

I hate when bloggers post after an absence and start off by saying, "I'm so sorry I haven't posted." Because it assumes that you have been sitting around hitting refresh and stalking jodifur.  Because you totally have not been doing that.

(I totally used to do that on my favorite blogs before I knew about readers.  Remember Bloglines?  RIP Bloglines.)

January is totally and completely kicking my ass.  Our roof is leaking and we need a new furnace. Michael has decided now is the perfect time to stop behaving.  I go on vacation in less than a month and I am counting down the days.  (Vacation sponsored by no one, except my parents, who really, were my original sponsor.)  

I don't really have any good excuses for my lack of substance here except that I have been posting other places.  Like The DC Moms.  And The Broad Side.  And soon ivillage's ivote coverage.  (Edit: Here is the post.)   

Your best bet, if you want to keep up with me, is to like the facebook page.  I post all my links there, and links to other stuff that I try not to bombard my personal Page with.  Notice I said try.

And in truth, I've been thinking a lot about Why Mommy.  Please check out our ecard love fest to Susan.  

 

 

Unresolved

I am a New Year's resolution quitter.

Well, not exactly.  

I am still on my no sugar, no alcohol, 1,500 calorie a day diet.  I'm doing quite well on it actually.  I'm down 8 pounds.  My goal was to lose 10.  8 pounds in 3 weeks in nothing to sneeze at.  I look thinner. (Trust me, if I think I look thinner, I look thinner.  I am my own worst critic.)  I am most definitely in a smaller clothing size.

I would give my left arm for a glass of wine.

One of the reasons I wanted to do this was to make sure I could.  My drinking and my eating habits had gotten a little gluttonous and I needed to scale back.  Reign it in.  Remember that we were, in fact, not running out of food and alcohol and that there would still be food and alcohol tomorrow.  I needed to get in control of my eating and my drinking and I have done that, quite successfully.

But there are other, darker, scarier reasons that I don't always talk about.  My friend Jennie did so beautifully, and I recognized so much of myself in her words. 

Detox diet, sometimes, is just another word for eating disorder.

I'm not saying I have an eating disorder, exactly, but I certainly have, at times in my life, had a tendency towards an eating disorder.  And I certainly have a voice in my head that says "not thin enough, not good enough, keep going, keep dieting, be thinner."  And when I start counting calories, as I have been doing, it gets louder, and more pronounced.

Some days I haven't even been eating 1,500 calories.  And the funny thing is, I'm not hungry. I'm too excited when the scale numbers go down to be hungry.

When I started my no alcohol, no sugar, no white flour, no processed foods plan I said I would go six weeks.  I think I am calling it after four.  I don't like what it is doing to me, the places I'm going in my head, and the silent cheer I give myself every time someone says "you look really thin."  I was pretty sure I had gone too far when I was trying to figure out how to hide a juice fast from my husband.

I may be a quitter, but I'm a quitter for a the right reasons.